32 years of grace

So as of today I have been walking with God for 32 years. March 11, 1979 I made the most profound and wonderful decision of my life and my eternity when I walked down to an alter in a little Baptist church in New Ark California and accepted Christs love and sacrifice for my sins. As I think of that day it is hard to remember that young teenager, so miserable and lonely. I was such a tenderhearted kid, I see myself in Jessica, only she is much stronger. People often say that "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." I say that is the biggest lie and it should say "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can break my heart" You see I was the kid that never quite fit in, sort of goofy looking and awkward, zero confidence, often the new kid at school and so despriately seeking the approval of my peers. Add to that depression, that I now realize I have probably had since puberty, and school was torture. Home was good, my parents did the best they could, the loved me and my sister with all their hearts. Were they perfect, no, but who is. I watch my own kids grow and wonder how in the heck does any parent raise kids without totally messing up. So I was this depressed kid, contemplating suicide. I had even picked up a handgun my parents owned a considered using it. When I went to church that morning God had already been tugging at my heart, I had gone previous weeks, and the Holy Spirit had touched my heart. I thank God that salvation isn't a one time offer! I had purposed in my heart that if He spoke to me I would go down to the alter. Well He did. I don't remember the sermon, but it was about the cross. I remember thinking I wanted to know about this God that would die on the cross for me. I remember praying and crying, tears of remorse mingled with tears of the deepest joy I have ever felt and a peace that was so fresh and new. I belonged to God! I walked out of that church, at least I think I walked, I may have floated, and the trees were greener, the sky was bluer.

So was life instantly better, no. I still was this goofy teenager who didn't fit in.

As I look back I find that God took a long time to heal my heart, and He is still working on me. I find I feel mixed emotions, as life is still a struggle. I have many trials and God has not given me the easy road I expected and dreamed of as that 14 year old child. There have been many times when I have questioned His hand in my life, and I still do. I would love to sit here and tell you of fabulous blessings, financial security, health, triving ministry, and of a perfect marriage and perfect children. But I can't, I don't think that would bring glory to God. What I see as I look back is grace, thousands of times God has forgiven me, drawn me close to Him, comforted me, let me rant at Him, and even stood by me when I tried to walk away. I don't have answers, not many at least. What I know is there is nothing in this world that offers any hope, any peace, no true food for my hungry soul. What I know is that I will have trouble in this world, but I have the God of the universe on my side. I may not feel it, I may not see it, but I know it is true. We often like to quote Romans 8:28 and this is a great verse. But look a little further verse 31 to the end of the chapter.
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So we will have trails, even to the point of death. But in the end God wins, and we share in that victory! So my friends, if life is rotten, if there are struggles, know that God is with you and He hasn't, He can't stop loving you. When you can't see His hand trust His heart. I pray that He will make me an encourager to others, that these trails of my life will continue to work compassion into my heart, and push me deeper into dependance on Him. May I always look be found seeking Him, because there is nothing better than walking in His grace.
God is good, ALL THE TIME!!, His grace is sufficient! His love is vast and I can't wait to see Him face to face and be able to thank and praise Him from a pure heart, in the way He deserves!