Today has been a sad day for me. You see the twins are very close to turning 13. And with every birthday comes the question, "what would the twins like for their birthday?" With that question comes the realization that they are still much like they were last year and the year before that and the year before that. Their growth is so much slower than my typically developing child or any other typical child. My sadness is compounded by the realization that they have very few friends and none of them are at the school they attend. You see it is impossible to make friends when you don't talk. Then today we received the reports from some in depth testing that was done with them to see why they are not talking. The cognitive information is nothing we didn't know, but that is our normal. When you see it on paper you realize how un-normal it is. The other issue is the sense of urgency expressed in dealing with their not talking issue, severe social anxiety.
So what do I do when I feel this sadness, I run to my Father God, and I pour my heart out. The situation doesn't change, but my heart is lighter. I still hurt but my God, my Abba, my daddy holds me when I cry. He wipes my tears and gives me strength to go on another day. He takes my burdens and reminds me that He is always with me, always loves me, and wants to hold me close. And that He made my girls just as they are, for a good purpose that I may not yet see, and He loves them more than my human heart can. He's their Abba too. My heart my still struggle, you know we humans don't seem to know how to leave things with God, we keep trying to fix them, to nurse our hurts, to be fearful of the future. But I know that I can run right back to Him and He will be there, to pick me up, dry my tears and be my peace. Thank you God for being my mighty God and being my prince of peace.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
What do you see?
I was recently speaking with an acquaintance of mine and he shared something I would like to share with you. This gentleman is my doctor and his daughter is a schoolmate of my daughter. His daughter is a grade ahead of mine in a performing arts program at one of our local high schools, both sing and act. I had gone to see him about my shoulder but I am also being treated for depression and he wanted to check how I was doing with the medicine. He asked if there was anything that was stressful in my life. So I shared with him that we were having some psychological testing done for my younger daughters, they have developmental delays and we needed some guidance regarding an issue regarding them. So I shared this and he told me his daughter, my daughter's schoolmate, has Asperger syndrome, a high functioning form of Autism. I was completely shocked. I know that Asperger kids are highly intelligent and that the condition ranges from mild to severe in how it affects a child. But this girl gets on stage and sings and acts, she is very, very talented and has very few signs of any special needs. He shared with me that she has struggled most of her school life for acceptance and understanding. Then he told me this story.
When my daughter was in preschool we were working on shapes. She had a list of shapes that she had to find real life examples of. She had found all but the diamond. She kept insisting that she had them all and try as hard as I could I could not convince her that she didn't have a diamond. With tears of frustration in her eyes, she turned the square on its point. See daddy it's just like me a diamond in a square world.
So I put the question to you, what do you see when you look at others? Do you see preconceived ideas based on the labels we place on people? When you see my children with their delays and paralysing anxiety, that leaves them unable to speak to you, what do you see? Defects, those poor girls? Or do you see beautiful children, made in God's image, knit together in their mothers womb according to God's design? How about race, or financial status? What about religion? When you see some one who is Muslim do you assume they are violent,evil ? That seems to be the current belief in society. Please take the time to get to know people, you might find out there is much more to them than you imagined. And I know you will learn that God loves them as much as He loves you.
When my daughter was in preschool we were working on shapes. She had a list of shapes that she had to find real life examples of. She had found all but the diamond. She kept insisting that she had them all and try as hard as I could I could not convince her that she didn't have a diamond. With tears of frustration in her eyes, she turned the square on its point. See daddy it's just like me a diamond in a square world.
So I put the question to you, what do you see when you look at others? Do you see preconceived ideas based on the labels we place on people? When you see my children with their delays and paralysing anxiety, that leaves them unable to speak to you, what do you see? Defects, those poor girls? Or do you see beautiful children, made in God's image, knit together in their mothers womb according to God's design? How about race, or financial status? What about religion? When you see some one who is Muslim do you assume they are violent,evil ? That seems to be the current belief in society. Please take the time to get to know people, you might find out there is much more to them than you imagined. And I know you will learn that God loves them as much as He loves you.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Who am I?
I suppose this should have been my first post, but better late than never. If you have taken the time to look at this you deserve to know who I am and my purpose for writing. My purpose for writing is to share some insights God has given me during my season of suffering. I profess no wisdom of my own. I am simply a child of God who has experienced some life altering circumstances. These times of suffering are not uncommon, we all experience them. God uses them to push us to the point of total faith, to the point where faith becomes less an action of our mind and more a center point of our mind, heart, soul, and body. While humanly speaking we will never be perfect in our walk, never be 100% devoted to Christ, He wants us to desire that devotion, that fellowship with Him more than anything else.
Before I tell you of my season of trials I should tell you about the seasons before. I had a very typical middle class childhood. Mom was home, dad worked to take care of us. Life was good. The one issue in my childhood was the one that would drive me to Christ. My dad always wanted something better for his family, a noble goal. However, his definition of that was a bigger home, then a bigger home with land. So we moved often. Once out of state, with a company that promised the moon, then went out of business. So back to California to rebuild. I attended 5 different elementary schools. It wasn't until high school that we settled and I finished school with friends. Unfortunately this moving, my own sensitive nature, and the tendency for kids to pick on the new kid, drove me to depression. I honestly believe if I had heard about God's love and accepted Him shortly before my 15Th birthday, that I would not be alive today.
So as time past my faith and knowledge grew. It was the faith of a young, somewhat sheltered, "good girl". It was genuine but untried. I grew up, married and moved to a new town. We had the typical struggles of most newlyweds. But as time went by we settled in.
Then there was the struggle to have our first child. This tried my faith and my emotions. All our friends were having babies, it seemed everyone was pregnant but me. I wrestled with the "why's" and protested God's fairness to me. God knew my faith could only take so much and He graciously gave us our daughter.
The hardest season began in 1997, when I gave birth to premature twins, though I did not know it yet, I was entering the world of special needs, or disabled children. They were small but healthy, and we expected them to catch up by 2 years of age like most preemies do. Despite getting them help practically from birth, they did not catch up. The girls are 12 years old, but function more like 7 or 8 year olds, they also have the issue of selective mutism. They will not talk to anyone outside of myself, my husband and their older sister. Even then it is only when it is just us no one else can be there. Having the twins complicates everything. They didn't sleep through the night until they were over 4 years old, they did not potty train until over 5, they did not talk until about 5 years old, even walking was delayed, they didn't walk until close to 3. Even now their "issues" complicate everything from where to attend church to family vacations. We do not have a formal diagnosis and it is unlikely they will ever fit into a category.
The next complication came in 2004 when my husband developed MS like symptoms, fatigue, pins and needles sensations in his hands and face, balance problems and mild cognitive impairment. These have now left him disabled to the point that he cannot work. As a result of my not being able to find a job and my husband's medical problems we were forced to go onto welfare.
So to summarize my road of life includes raising special needs twins, poverty, chronic illness of my husband and the normal pressures of raising a teenager, being a homemaker and wife, and etc.
I tell you all of this not to evoke pity, or to make myself sound like some sort of super Christian. But to say that I have learned of God's faithfulness in ways I could never have dreamed. I can in all honesty tell you that I love God more than life, and I need Him day by day more than I need air or water. I can say that no matter what He allows into my life I will praise Him, for He is worthy.
I hope you will find encouragement for your walk and most of all that God will be glorified in all that is said here.
Before I tell you of my season of trials I should tell you about the seasons before. I had a very typical middle class childhood. Mom was home, dad worked to take care of us. Life was good. The one issue in my childhood was the one that would drive me to Christ. My dad always wanted something better for his family, a noble goal. However, his definition of that was a bigger home, then a bigger home with land. So we moved often. Once out of state, with a company that promised the moon, then went out of business. So back to California to rebuild. I attended 5 different elementary schools. It wasn't until high school that we settled and I finished school with friends. Unfortunately this moving, my own sensitive nature, and the tendency for kids to pick on the new kid, drove me to depression. I honestly believe if I had heard about God's love and accepted Him shortly before my 15Th birthday, that I would not be alive today.
So as time past my faith and knowledge grew. It was the faith of a young, somewhat sheltered, "good girl". It was genuine but untried. I grew up, married and moved to a new town. We had the typical struggles of most newlyweds. But as time went by we settled in.
Then there was the struggle to have our first child. This tried my faith and my emotions. All our friends were having babies, it seemed everyone was pregnant but me. I wrestled with the "why's" and protested God's fairness to me. God knew my faith could only take so much and He graciously gave us our daughter.
The hardest season began in 1997, when I gave birth to premature twins, though I did not know it yet, I was entering the world of special needs, or disabled children. They were small but healthy, and we expected them to catch up by 2 years of age like most preemies do. Despite getting them help practically from birth, they did not catch up. The girls are 12 years old, but function more like 7 or 8 year olds, they also have the issue of selective mutism. They will not talk to anyone outside of myself, my husband and their older sister. Even then it is only when it is just us no one else can be there. Having the twins complicates everything. They didn't sleep through the night until they were over 4 years old, they did not potty train until over 5, they did not talk until about 5 years old, even walking was delayed, they didn't walk until close to 3. Even now their "issues" complicate everything from where to attend church to family vacations. We do not have a formal diagnosis and it is unlikely they will ever fit into a category.
The next complication came in 2004 when my husband developed MS like symptoms, fatigue, pins and needles sensations in his hands and face, balance problems and mild cognitive impairment. These have now left him disabled to the point that he cannot work. As a result of my not being able to find a job and my husband's medical problems we were forced to go onto welfare.
So to summarize my road of life includes raising special needs twins, poverty, chronic illness of my husband and the normal pressures of raising a teenager, being a homemaker and wife, and etc.
I tell you all of this not to evoke pity, or to make myself sound like some sort of super Christian. But to say that I have learned of God's faithfulness in ways I could never have dreamed. I can in all honesty tell you that I love God more than life, and I need Him day by day more than I need air or water. I can say that no matter what He allows into my life I will praise Him, for He is worthy.
I hope you will find encouragement for your walk and most of all that God will be glorified in all that is said here.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Legacy
I attended the funeral of a friends mother a few weeks ago. I did not know this lady, but felt as though I needed to support my friend and his family. I just remember how the support meant so much to me when my dad died. Listening to the family and friends of this lady made me think, what will people remember most about me? As I have pondered this thought I realized something. Legacy is not something we make, it something we allow God to make through us. You see if my friends mom did all the things she did purely for the reason of people saying nice things about her it would not have worked at all. You see this lady invested her time, her wisdom, her love, her talents, and her money out of purely God inspired love. She simply loved as God lead her, and as God enabled her. Because she allowed the Holy Spirit to use her she left children, grandchildren, friends and a husband, who could not say enough about her, and more importantly the God she loved.
So when we start thinking about legacy, we need to start with surrender. We need to surrender all our heart, our desires, our time, our talents, and yes our material possessions to the one who gave them to us in the first place. It is then that He takes what we give and multiplies it 10, 20, 100 fold.
May God fill your heart with Him.
So when we start thinking about legacy, we need to start with surrender. We need to surrender all our heart, our desires, our time, our talents, and yes our material possessions to the one who gave them to us in the first place. It is then that He takes what we give and multiplies it 10, 20, 100 fold.
May God fill your heart with Him.
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