I reciently sat in two very different funerals and the thought came to me one reflected identity much better than the other. One spoke of all the man had done, all noteworthy accomplishments the other spoke about who the person was, a father, a husband, teacher, friend, son and brother. But even this did not convey the biggest truth of who both these men were. They were God's children, beloved sons of the Almighty, each uniquely fashioned for their purpose on this earth.
So then who am I? I often can tell how I know a person, in what context I have met them, when they introduce me to someone new. Often I am introduced as Jessica's mom, the twins mom, or Paul's wife. It used to bug me, I felt like I had lost Kim. But God showed me that I'm still me, those titles are roles that I play. Mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc. But if those roles were taken away, and I pray they never are, I would stil be someone. I would be God's child, beloved daughter. That makes me a princess. I can never loose that identity because it is bestowed on me by the one who never changes. I did nothing to earn it, I simply accepted it's truth and the one who is truth. Since I did nothing to earn it I can't loose it. I may not always walk in that truth, I may not always please my Father, in fact I know I don't. But He has adopted me and promised me that identity forever. God can't lie so that is who I am.
It is my prayer that you and I will always know who we are, that we will grow in that truth, that our lives will be more and more defined by that truth.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Helping
Today a friends story about his father triggered a thought. When the twins were little people would ask how they could help. I wasn't very skilled at asking for help then. But over the years I have learned that the greatest help anyone can give me is to just "be" there with me or "be" with my girls. You see most people are in such a hurry they don't take the time to listen, or they listen and try to fix the situation. Most of the time I just want to share my story; the good, the bad and the ugly(usually my heart when I'm not too happy with God). Your advice maybe wonderful but in reality I've probably heard it before and unless you've walked where I am, it can sound kind of condescending. "Let me help this poor person with all her trials" I know that's not what you're thinking, I know this is my perception of the situation, but understand, with special needs kids I've got a whole lot of "experts" giving me advice. I need a friend.
This brings me to my girls. Jessica needs people who can just listen to her too. You see having sister's with a disability, and a father with some health issues and then just being a teenager is tough. She needs adult friends as well as peers that will just let her rant occasionally, without judgement and without trying to "fix" her. Now the twins are a whole different situation. They are generally happy little girls. But what most people, even children struggle with is the fact that they don't talk. That's O.K. talk to them, play with them, be in their life and love them just like they are. We have a friend who gets this. One day he was here at the house. Jessica had a box with various size balls in it, she was using it to learn to juggle. One of the twins picked up one of the balls and wanted to play. This dear man just sat his self down on the floor and played for quite a while. Sometimes he would make up a game, sometimes he would just let her do whatever she wanted. He took the time to figure out her pointing and gesturing and they played. Now I am sure this man had other things to do, but he made the choice to be in my daughters world. He didn't try to make her fit into his, he was there 100% with her.
So what's the best way to help someone who is walking a difficult path? Meeting physical needs is great, don't stop. But if you want to go the extra mile, take the time to just be with them, in their space, on their terms. I know it will help them greatly.
This brings me to my girls. Jessica needs people who can just listen to her too. You see having sister's with a disability, and a father with some health issues and then just being a teenager is tough. She needs adult friends as well as peers that will just let her rant occasionally, without judgement and without trying to "fix" her. Now the twins are a whole different situation. They are generally happy little girls. But what most people, even children struggle with is the fact that they don't talk. That's O.K. talk to them, play with them, be in their life and love them just like they are. We have a friend who gets this. One day he was here at the house. Jessica had a box with various size balls in it, she was using it to learn to juggle. One of the twins picked up one of the balls and wanted to play. This dear man just sat his self down on the floor and played for quite a while. Sometimes he would make up a game, sometimes he would just let her do whatever she wanted. He took the time to figure out her pointing and gesturing and they played. Now I am sure this man had other things to do, but he made the choice to be in my daughters world. He didn't try to make her fit into his, he was there 100% with her.
So what's the best way to help someone who is walking a difficult path? Meeting physical needs is great, don't stop. But if you want to go the extra mile, take the time to just be with them, in their space, on their terms. I know it will help them greatly.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
What is ministry?
I have been mulling over this question for a few days. I was talking with someone at church about the twins and wondering about their future. One of the musings was would they ever be serving in a ministry. This came up because Jessica had mentioned wanting to get involved with nursery or preschool ministry at church. This dear lady pointed out that the twins already have a ministry. The encourage people with hugs. My girls may never tell someone "good job" or "your a great teacher" or even "God loves you, and so do I." but they show it with their hugs. Not more than a few minutes later I heard someone say to one of the twins, "I was waiting for my hug, I miss your hugs when I don't get one."
That got me to thinking, maybe we over complicate the whole idea of ministry, maybe a hug ministry is just as valid as any other. Yes some forms of ministry are much more complex and require much more training and formality. But who am I to say that God can't use two little girls with special needs, but big hearts to accomplish His purposes. Perhaps that person that they give a hug to gets enough strength for their day, or just a little extra boost. Don't we all need to know we are loved? Don't we all need a hug now and then? So if God wants to use my little love bugs to be His hands, then praise Him. If you are feeling that you aren't qualified to do anything, maybe you can take a note of encouragement from my girls. Do what you can and trust God for the results. And if you are a leader, don't over look those who serve in small ways, God is using them too.
Be blessed, God loves you.
That got me to thinking, maybe we over complicate the whole idea of ministry, maybe a hug ministry is just as valid as any other. Yes some forms of ministry are much more complex and require much more training and formality. But who am I to say that God can't use two little girls with special needs, but big hearts to accomplish His purposes. Perhaps that person that they give a hug to gets enough strength for their day, or just a little extra boost. Don't we all need to know we are loved? Don't we all need a hug now and then? So if God wants to use my little love bugs to be His hands, then praise Him. If you are feeling that you aren't qualified to do anything, maybe you can take a note of encouragement from my girls. Do what you can and trust God for the results. And if you are a leader, don't over look those who serve in small ways, God is using them too.
Be blessed, God loves you.
Friday, March 18, 2011
My prayer for my children
So here we go with another of Gary Molander's topics. This one took a lot of thinking, I pray for my children everyday, but often the prayers are not deep ones, they are more about the issues they are facing day to day. So I started thinking of it in terms of what would I pray for my children if I could only ask one thing of God. That's a good perspective to take, much deeper thought. I suppose I could ask for success and all that entails, I could ask for my twins to be "normal"; but somehow that didn't satisfy my heart. So after much thought this is what came to my heart. I would pray that Jessica would see herself as God sees her and that others would see the twins the way God see's them.
Jessica is 15 and like many a teenager she struggles with self esteem, we have a world that constantly pushes our kids to meet an unreachable ideal. Someone elses idea of beauty or intelligence, a standard that no one can ever meet. Yet God made her just the way she is, thick curly hair, big blue eyes, a tender heart and a loving personality. God gifted her with a beautiful singing voice, and a general artist temperment. An intellegent mind but disorganized. Far more than this He has gifted her with a sensitivity to His voice and to others. When she was a young child she would often be moved to tears by worship music, or simply by the thought of Christ on the cross. I remember coming home from an Easter service and Jessica's eyes were just sparkling. She got several sheets of paper and began to write and draw things like "He is risen!!!" "He is alive" pictures of an empty tumb and put them up on the walls. She was so filled with praise and joy it just had to come out. She has such a loving heart, she absolutely refuses to put people into catagories and judge them. She doesn't see "the poor", "the disabled" or whatever else.. she sees people, like her friend t-bone who has CP. He calls her tickle and they are friends. That's all there is to it. But she doesn't see how special she is, she only see's the girl who isn't the size 3, the class validictorian, or whatever. I have often asked her why she can't extend the same love and compassion to herself that she gives to others. So I would ask God to show her how He sees her, fearfully and wonderfully made for His good works.
My prayer for my twins would be different. You see in some ways their special needs have kept them from the comparison game. They are blissfully unaware of the fashion trends and impossible standards of the world. But their special needs and their issue with talking to people outside of the family prevents people from knowing these two beautiful, sweet girls. The outside world doesn't hear the silly knock-knock jokes, that in reality aren't very funny. They don't hear the genuinely sweet way they talk about others, or their silly made up games. They don't hear how the girls try to understand why someone as good and holy as Jesus had to die on a cross. Why would people kill someone who was good? You see when the girls don't talk people assume they can't, or they don't understand, or they just don't try to communicate any more. Rare is the person who knows how to just be with my girls. So I pray that someday, God will allow others to see my special angels the way He does, fearfully and wonderfully made for His good purposes. Not defective or needy, but made in the image of Christ.
So there is the deepest prayer of this mothers heart. Thank you for listening.
Jessica is 15 and like many a teenager she struggles with self esteem, we have a world that constantly pushes our kids to meet an unreachable ideal. Someone elses idea of beauty or intelligence, a standard that no one can ever meet. Yet God made her just the way she is, thick curly hair, big blue eyes, a tender heart and a loving personality. God gifted her with a beautiful singing voice, and a general artist temperment. An intellegent mind but disorganized. Far more than this He has gifted her with a sensitivity to His voice and to others. When she was a young child she would often be moved to tears by worship music, or simply by the thought of Christ on the cross. I remember coming home from an Easter service and Jessica's eyes were just sparkling. She got several sheets of paper and began to write and draw things like "He is risen!!!" "He is alive" pictures of an empty tumb and put them up on the walls. She was so filled with praise and joy it just had to come out. She has such a loving heart, she absolutely refuses to put people into catagories and judge them. She doesn't see "the poor", "the disabled" or whatever else.. she sees people, like her friend t-bone who has CP. He calls her tickle and they are friends. That's all there is to it. But she doesn't see how special she is, she only see's the girl who isn't the size 3, the class validictorian, or whatever. I have often asked her why she can't extend the same love and compassion to herself that she gives to others. So I would ask God to show her how He sees her, fearfully and wonderfully made for His good works.
My prayer for my twins would be different. You see in some ways their special needs have kept them from the comparison game. They are blissfully unaware of the fashion trends and impossible standards of the world. But their special needs and their issue with talking to people outside of the family prevents people from knowing these two beautiful, sweet girls. The outside world doesn't hear the silly knock-knock jokes, that in reality aren't very funny. They don't hear the genuinely sweet way they talk about others, or their silly made up games. They don't hear how the girls try to understand why someone as good and holy as Jesus had to die on a cross. Why would people kill someone who was good? You see when the girls don't talk people assume they can't, or they don't understand, or they just don't try to communicate any more. Rare is the person who knows how to just be with my girls. So I pray that someday, God will allow others to see my special angels the way He does, fearfully and wonderfully made for His good purposes. Not defective or needy, but made in the image of Christ.
So there is the deepest prayer of this mothers heart. Thank you for listening.
why church is relevant to me
I thought about this topic reciently, it's another one of Gary Molanders topics. I am so glad I was able to reconnect with him and his family a little, even if it's only on Facebook. On to the topic at hand. Reciently, I have missed 3 weeks of church due to family illness (thankfully minor but it took a while to get us all well at the same time) and transportation issues. So as I sat thinking about this I wondered why we do church at all. Besides the Biblical mandate to not forsake assembling together, which I suppose could be done at Starbucks or Denny's just as easily; God never says how we are suppose to assemble. So there has to be something more than that command. Why does church matter to me and to God. Looking back on 32 years of walking by faith I have come to realize that quite often this is where God speaks to me. You see it is the one time in my week that I am purposely drawing away from all the distractions of life, with like minded people, to focus on God. Musical worship has a profound affect on my soul. Often when my heart is dry and weary, when I don't have the faith to be in the Word, it is worship music that draws me in. I thank God for gifted individuals who take words and music and wieve them into something that lifts my soul to the throne of God. And when with others I am focused on God, through music, that power, that effect on my soul is just magnified. And God is glorified and blessed. I am once again struck by how something we are suppose to do to glorify God also brings us such joy. Then there is the spoken word. I have heard many a preacher say that they are surprized how God takes their words and uses them in different ways to meet then needs of the congregation. Often what speaks to me is very different to what speaks to my husband or our daughters. So God takes this food for my emotions (music) and this food for my mind (the spoken word) and fulls up my soul.
So I suppose you could summerize this whole post in this, church is relevant to me because it is "Soul food".
So I suppose you could summerize this whole post in this, church is relevant to me because it is "Soul food".
Friday, March 11, 2011
32 years of grace
So as of today I have been walking with God for 32 years. March 11, 1979 I made the most profound and wonderful decision of my life and my eternity when I walked down to an alter in a little Baptist church in New Ark California and accepted Christs love and sacrifice for my sins. As I think of that day it is hard to remember that young teenager, so miserable and lonely. I was such a tenderhearted kid, I see myself in Jessica, only she is much stronger. People often say that "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." I say that is the biggest lie and it should say "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can break my heart" You see I was the kid that never quite fit in, sort of goofy looking and awkward, zero confidence, often the new kid at school and so despriately seeking the approval of my peers. Add to that depression, that I now realize I have probably had since puberty, and school was torture. Home was good, my parents did the best they could, the loved me and my sister with all their hearts. Were they perfect, no, but who is. I watch my own kids grow and wonder how in the heck does any parent raise kids without totally messing up. So I was this depressed kid, contemplating suicide. I had even picked up a handgun my parents owned a considered using it. When I went to church that morning God had already been tugging at my heart, I had gone previous weeks, and the Holy Spirit had touched my heart. I thank God that salvation isn't a one time offer! I had purposed in my heart that if He spoke to me I would go down to the alter. Well He did. I don't remember the sermon, but it was about the cross. I remember thinking I wanted to know about this God that would die on the cross for me. I remember praying and crying, tears of remorse mingled with tears of the deepest joy I have ever felt and a peace that was so fresh and new. I belonged to God! I walked out of that church, at least I think I walked, I may have floated, and the trees were greener, the sky was bluer.
So was life instantly better, no. I still was this goofy teenager who didn't fit in.
As I look back I find that God took a long time to heal my heart, and He is still working on me. I find I feel mixed emotions, as life is still a struggle. I have many trials and God has not given me the easy road I expected and dreamed of as that 14 year old child. There have been many times when I have questioned His hand in my life, and I still do. I would love to sit here and tell you of fabulous blessings, financial security, health, triving ministry, and of a perfect marriage and perfect children. But I can't, I don't think that would bring glory to God. What I see as I look back is grace, thousands of times God has forgiven me, drawn me close to Him, comforted me, let me rant at Him, and even stood by me when I tried to walk away. I don't have answers, not many at least. What I know is there is nothing in this world that offers any hope, any peace, no true food for my hungry soul. What I know is that I will have trouble in this world, but I have the God of the universe on my side. I may not feel it, I may not see it, but I know it is true. We often like to quote Romans 8:28 and this is a great verse. But look a little further verse 31 to the end of the chapter.
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So we will have trails, even to the point of death. But in the end God wins, and we share in that victory! So my friends, if life is rotten, if there are struggles, know that God is with you and He hasn't, He can't stop loving you. When you can't see His hand trust His heart. I pray that He will make me an encourager to others, that these trails of my life will continue to work compassion into my heart, and push me deeper into dependance on Him. May I always look be found seeking Him, because there is nothing better than walking in His grace.
God is good, ALL THE TIME!!, His grace is sufficient! His love is vast and I can't wait to see Him face to face and be able to thank and praise Him from a pure heart, in the way He deserves!
So was life instantly better, no. I still was this goofy teenager who didn't fit in.
As I look back I find that God took a long time to heal my heart, and He is still working on me. I find I feel mixed emotions, as life is still a struggle. I have many trials and God has not given me the easy road I expected and dreamed of as that 14 year old child. There have been many times when I have questioned His hand in my life, and I still do. I would love to sit here and tell you of fabulous blessings, financial security, health, triving ministry, and of a perfect marriage and perfect children. But I can't, I don't think that would bring glory to God. What I see as I look back is grace, thousands of times God has forgiven me, drawn me close to Him, comforted me, let me rant at Him, and even stood by me when I tried to walk away. I don't have answers, not many at least. What I know is there is nothing in this world that offers any hope, any peace, no true food for my hungry soul. What I know is that I will have trouble in this world, but I have the God of the universe on my side. I may not feel it, I may not see it, but I know it is true. We often like to quote Romans 8:28 and this is a great verse. But look a little further verse 31 to the end of the chapter.
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So we will have trails, even to the point of death. But in the end God wins, and we share in that victory! So my friends, if life is rotten, if there are struggles, know that God is with you and He hasn't, He can't stop loving you. When you can't see His hand trust His heart. I pray that He will make me an encourager to others, that these trails of my life will continue to work compassion into my heart, and push me deeper into dependance on Him. May I always look be found seeking Him, because there is nothing better than walking in His grace.
God is good, ALL THE TIME!!, His grace is sufficient! His love is vast and I can't wait to see Him face to face and be able to thank and praise Him from a pure heart, in the way He deserves!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Let me introduce you to my hero.
So today I offer another post from Gary Molander's topic list. This one is very personal, and a great pleasure to write. My hero is my oldest daughter Jessica. I know all mothers think their children are wonderful and we should, but I have watched my child developer into a young woman that has more strength and more generosity of spirit than I do. Some of you reading this will know our story and some won't. I hope you will see that strength isn't always physical power and that we can all learn from one another. No one is too young to have something of value to the Kingdom of God and to our world.
So why is a 15 year old my hero? Jessica is genuinely sweet. She sees people, all people as having value, just as they are. Some of this comes from having her sisters and living with their special needs. Since they were born with these needs it is just normal to her, but of course she sees the differences between them and typically developing kids. She has a friend that is about 6 months older but light years ahead of the twins. But that doesn't matter to her, they are her sisters and no one better tell her they are any less valuable than anyone else. I remember when they were about 5 and Jess was 7. I was feeling sad about the lack of progress we were seeing. I can't hid my feelings from the kid, she knows me too well. So she asked. I told her how I had hoped to see more progress from them, and how worried I was about them. Jessica just put her arm around me and told me, "mom, the twins will be fine, God made them how they are and He's gonna take care of them." I saw her loving heart again recently. At her school there are two disabled boys. They are in one of her performing arts classes, theater movement. One uses a wheelchair, and can only speak a few words. The other is cognitively challenged, probably functioning around a 5th or 6th grade level. When it comes time to pick a group for an activity, Jess always makes sure her friends have a partner. She speaks of them like they were anyone else. She knows their special needs but to her that is just part of who they are. Apparently it is a custom in her school to give one another nicknames. One of her friends gave her the name tickle, because she is so ticklish, and because it is one of the few words he can say. He is hugs to her, because he always wants a hug. Jessica's love for others isn't limited to people with special needs either. Recently she came home in tears because a boy at her school was killed when he got into a fight with another boy. They were taggers, in a gang. He had just started at the school and true to form Jess had tried to make him feel welcome. When she heard about his death her response was that he was trying to get out of the gang and she was heartbroken that he hadn't.
Jessica has a strength about her too. When she was 3 she was diagnosed with scoliosis, a curve of the spine. It was severe enough that she had to wear a hard plastic brace from the time she was 3 until she was about 12. She hated it and as a little one she fussed about it. But she went on and persevered. She wore it but it didn't stop her from trying all the things she wanted to try from dance to music and acting, none of this "I can't". Life has hardly been easy for her either. Despite trying to keep as normal a life as possible for her she still faces the pressure of having sisters who will never be "normal" and as such require a bit more attention from mom and dad. She also has a dad with disability, he has MS. This has required her to sometimes be more of a mom than a kid, because I was taking care of her dad. She willingly accepts the responsibility and when I try to thank her she simply replies "mom, it needed to be done and I am glad to do it." She's not a grumbler, even when she has to give up stuff she would like to do or have or be.
So that is why she is my hero and I am truly blessed to be her mom. So I hope you see that this young girl is a lesson to me and a precious part of God's kingdom. I hope that we can learn to see others more like she does, and go out of our comfort zone to serve others.
So why is a 15 year old my hero? Jessica is genuinely sweet. She sees people, all people as having value, just as they are. Some of this comes from having her sisters and living with their special needs. Since they were born with these needs it is just normal to her, but of course she sees the differences between them and typically developing kids. She has a friend that is about 6 months older but light years ahead of the twins. But that doesn't matter to her, they are her sisters and no one better tell her they are any less valuable than anyone else. I remember when they were about 5 and Jess was 7. I was feeling sad about the lack of progress we were seeing. I can't hid my feelings from the kid, she knows me too well. So she asked. I told her how I had hoped to see more progress from them, and how worried I was about them. Jessica just put her arm around me and told me, "mom, the twins will be fine, God made them how they are and He's gonna take care of them." I saw her loving heart again recently. At her school there are two disabled boys. They are in one of her performing arts classes, theater movement. One uses a wheelchair, and can only speak a few words. The other is cognitively challenged, probably functioning around a 5th or 6th grade level. When it comes time to pick a group for an activity, Jess always makes sure her friends have a partner. She speaks of them like they were anyone else. She knows their special needs but to her that is just part of who they are. Apparently it is a custom in her school to give one another nicknames. One of her friends gave her the name tickle, because she is so ticklish, and because it is one of the few words he can say. He is hugs to her, because he always wants a hug. Jessica's love for others isn't limited to people with special needs either. Recently she came home in tears because a boy at her school was killed when he got into a fight with another boy. They were taggers, in a gang. He had just started at the school and true to form Jess had tried to make him feel welcome. When she heard about his death her response was that he was trying to get out of the gang and she was heartbroken that he hadn't.
Jessica has a strength about her too. When she was 3 she was diagnosed with scoliosis, a curve of the spine. It was severe enough that she had to wear a hard plastic brace from the time she was 3 until she was about 12. She hated it and as a little one she fussed about it. But she went on and persevered. She wore it but it didn't stop her from trying all the things she wanted to try from dance to music and acting, none of this "I can't". Life has hardly been easy for her either. Despite trying to keep as normal a life as possible for her she still faces the pressure of having sisters who will never be "normal" and as such require a bit more attention from mom and dad. She also has a dad with disability, he has MS. This has required her to sometimes be more of a mom than a kid, because I was taking care of her dad. She willingly accepts the responsibility and when I try to thank her she simply replies "mom, it needed to be done and I am glad to do it." She's not a grumbler, even when she has to give up stuff she would like to do or have or be.
So that is why she is my hero and I am truly blessed to be her mom. So I hope you see that this young girl is a lesson to me and a precious part of God's kingdom. I hope that we can learn to see others more like she does, and go out of our comfort zone to serve others.
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